Scarlett’s Web

I believe if we wrote down everything we wanted to say to someone in anger, waited 24 hours and read it, we would not say the words and the world would be a more peaceful place.  I’ve had a scratch on my arm for several weeks.  It doesn’t hurt and I don’t even remember I have it until I accidentally scratch it and it starts to bleed.  Since I’m on large doses of blood thinner it bleeds heavily and the healing starts all over again.  When you say harsh words to someone it takes a long time for them to be forgotten.  Unfortunately they can be deep enough that the wound never heals and causes permanent damage to everyone involved.  Whenever my husband would do counseling with a couple before he performed their ceremony I always had one piece of advice I shared.  Before you start an argument ask yourself  ”is what you are going to argue about worth risking your marriage over?”  If the answer is no, then you have nothing to argue about.  We’ve been married 39 years and he has never raised his voice, physically threatened me or our children or done anything illegal.  We’ve never argued because we never gave each other a reason to.  Has our marriage been perfect, absolutely not because there is no such thing as a perfect marriage but what we have is as close as it gets.  We respect each other, value each other’s opinions and support each other.  We are best friends.  It is the same for families and friends.  Don’t try to resolve issues when you are angry or hurt, it won’t work.  The other side of this is you can’t be too proud to say I’m sorry or admit you are wrong.  No one is 100% right 100% of the time.  I think we teach our kids to become so competitive that no one ever wants or expects to lose.  This is a great injustice to our children because the majority will lose more often than win and they will not know how to handle this when it happens.  More than likely, you won’t either because you will be the one yelling at them the whole time they are playing to run faster, hit harder and catch the ball.  What happened to “you played a good game, they just played better this time”.  What happened to friends helping friends instead of one has to have more or do more than the other.  Life is much too short and you will make it shorter by demanding everything be your way because you will die from a heart attack or someone will kill you.  There is no “ME” or “I” in good relationships at home, work, Church or on the ballfield.  “WE” can accomplish more than “I” ever thought of.  Do you have someone you owe an apology to?  Can you be the bigger man or woman and say I was wrong and shouldn’t have said what I did?  If you can’t, you need to take a long hard look at who and what you value before it’s too late.

I can remember when my husband and I became engaged and I met his parents.  His mom and dad were in their late 30’s and just seemed “old” to me.  My husband turned 22 the week we married and I was barely 18.  We had our first child when I was 20 and I just turned 23 when our second was born.  His parents were grandparents in their early 40’s.  I was also in my early 40’s when my first grandchild was born but somehow my 40’s didn’t seem as old as their 40’s had.  I was doing great in my early 40’s.  I was going on mission trips, playing Church league softball and volleyball.  But at the very early age of 48 I ended up with open-heart surgery to have a heart valve replaced.  I’ll admit it took a little while to bounce back and it’s taking even longer to loose the weight I’d gained prior to and after surgery.  But I still got around pretty good and hitting 50 wasn’t that bad.  But by the time I made it to 55 I started noticing a few changes.  I was beginning to be a little stiff in the mornings and the afternoons and evenings.  I couldn’t remember what I did with the remote that was in my hand 5 minutes ago.  There just wasn’t enough night to get in all the sleep I wanted and certainly daylight came much sooner than I wanted to get up.  Working all day was no longer a challenge but almost an impossibility.  Of course, there are perks to gettin old.  Some places give you Senior Citizen rates at 55.  You can join AARP.  But mostly people just expect you to be forgetful because your old.  When you do stupid things they just laugh thinking it is because your gettin old when they truth is you enjoy doing stupid things.  But most of all the best benefit is you can drive your kids crazy.  It used to be you pacing the floor waiting for them to come home on a date.  Now they are pacing the floor because you don’t answer the phone and they don’t know where you are.  They are stuck home raising kids while you are out living it up.  But best of all you are out spending their inheirtance on Motorhomes and Pontoon Boats. Aint gettin old fun?

Recently,  much attention  has been drawn to the life and death of celebrities.  I thought over my own mortality and how I would like to be honored upon my death.  First off “send me no flowers” as they will only die and leave a mess for someone else to have to clean up.  Funeral Homes are generally piled high with flowers for funerals but quiet honestly they are for the living to see, not for the dead.  The cost of arrangements for a funeral is far beyond what anyone should pay for flowers.  Different family members will take some home but most will just rot on the ground at the grave site.  The ones that do make it home will probably die, if  they are like the plants I have (or used to have).  Come to think of it I believe I have several pots of dead plants sitting around the house now.  My husband seems to think even if there isn’t a speck of green on them they might still come back.  If it doesn’t bark or ask for food, it doesn’t get fed around my home.  So why do we feel compelled to send flowers?  Because we feel like we should do something but just don’t know anything else but to send flowers.  I’m standing right beside you ordering flowers too but I don’t think I will do that again.  The least expensive arrangement I’ve seen is about $35 and you don’t want to appear cheap so you spend a little more.  If you don’t live close by and have to order through another florist then you will pay twice that amount for the same arrangement that someone locally bought for $35.  My husband recently sent me the most beautiful arrangement of a dozen red roses for our 39th anniversary.  I shudder to think what they cost but believe me I would much rather be able to smell the roses than have them laid on top of me when I can’t smell them.  So I’m making a request of my family “don’t send me no flowers” when I die.  Put pictures of my grand-kids and hopefully great-grand-kids out for everyone to see.  They are my flowers.  Take the money that you would have spent and write a check to feed hungry children, help the homeless, take care of orphans or the elderly.  That is the way I want to be honored and that is how hopefully my children will want as well.  I’ve often heard the saying, “you can’t take it with you” and that is certainly true about flowers.  Along with the “no flowers” request is my “no open casket” request.  Seriously, I was never what you would call attractive, or even cute, alive and I’m almost positive I’m not going to look any better dead.  So please don’t make people lie to you by having to come by and say “she looks so good” or “they did such a good job”!  Hello, if they could make me look good I’d have already had someone work me over but there isn’t much here to work with.  Just shut the lid and put pictures of us as a family doing things we loved to do together.  How much more easier it will be for the family to be able to share funny stories that a picture reminds them of.  Like the blue hats we made our girls wear (and us) whenever we went to an amusement park so we could always spot each other.  Celebrate life, not death.  As a Christian our eternallife begins when we take Jesus as our Lord and Savior.  When we take our last breathe we go to be with Him.  Life here on earth is only temporary.  And that brings me to my next request.  No sad songs.  Rejoice that I’m no longer aggravating you.  Seriously, I don’t like sad music and this really is a time to celebrate that I’m home with my Savior.  Over the years my husband spent a lot of time with families that were grieving and during that grief they had to try to make funeral arrangements because of a sudden death or they never thought about doing it before.  Save your family a lot of money, hurt feelings and stress by making the arrangements for yourself before you even have a thought that you could die.  Have everything picked out and paid for so they don’t have to try to figure out what they can afford to pay with the insurance money (hopefully you have some) or go into debt because they didn’t want to look like they were being cheap.  They can stand beside the casket and say “Mother (or Dad) picked this herself/himself”she/he always did love the color orange!  They probably thought she /he was nuts anyway so this won’t be a surprise to anyone.  When my father-in-law died unexpectedly I can remember going with my mother-in-law to make arrangements.  There was no insurance policy and no money either.  She took a second mortgage to pay for the funeral and we bought the cemetery plot.  I know this is not an easy subject for most people to even think might happen much less plan ahead for it but believe me it will make things so much easier for those you leave behind.  Realistically, isn’t that who it is really for, the family.  It’s not about the person who died but those left behind.  Do them a favor take care of arrangements so they don’t have too and so you can pick a good color you will enjoy lying in and if you have a favorite charity designate you wantexpressions of sympathy to go to it in lieu of flowers. Oh, once you have all your arrangements made live out the rest of  life spending your kids inheritance and having a great time.

When we had been married about 3 years my husband and our oldest daughter were driving down the road and my daughter pointed to a building and asked what it was.  My husband replied, a Church and she responded asking what a Church was.  When they returned home my husband said “we are going to Church in the morning”!  The next morning we were in the Church  they had driven by the previous day.  It turned out that the Pastor was someone my husband went to school with.  We  became very involved in all the activities at Church and found ourselves wanting more and more.  We both knew at the same time that God was wanting us to serve him full-time.  This meant that my husband would need to attend school to gain the skills he would need as a Pastor and Preacher so he went to a Baptist College in Alabama to see about attending.  The week he was to enroll I became extremely ill.  I can remember it as if it were today.  We were at a Sunday School function and I felt like I was standing to one side watching myself.  The next morning I could not get out of bed and my heart was pumping so hard you could see the sheets going up and down with the heartbeats.  When we got to the hospital my temp was 105 and they literally ripped my clothes off and started working on me.  I was broke out in a rash so badly that it looked like I had a sunburn.  I was put into isolation because they could not figure out what was wrong.  After a few days they called my husband and told him if there were any family he needed to call them because they did not know of anything they could do.  They were going to withdraw all the medications I had been on and just let me go naturally.  My husband called the school he was going to attend and told them the circumstances and that he would not be attending.  The next morning when he came to the hospital I was sitting up in bed and my temperature was almost normal.  The doctor’s theory was I had an allergic reaction to one of the medications I was on but we knew better.  We were going our way and not God’s way.  The school Tony was going to enroll in was not the school God had prepared for him.  My skin completed peeled off all over my body and I was in the hospital for 52 days.  When I got out our Pastor talked to Tony about attending Southern Seminary in Kentucky.  We lived in Alabama and that is where all of our family lived.  To move to Kentucky with two small girls and no family was not what we wanted to do.  But just as one door slammed shut, this door opened so wide that there was no doubt this was God’s way.  We loaded up and said our goodbyes and headed to Louisville, Kentucky in 1978 and we have been in Kentucky ever since.  We have been at Churches in Western and Central Kentucky.  I can’t imagine missing all the blessings we have had, the people we grew to love that became family to us or the opportunities God brought to us that enriched our lives beyond measure by moving to Kentucky.

Today is my 39th wedding anniversary.  I met my husband on January 1, 1970.  I was 18 and still in high school and he was 22 and just came out of the Air Force.  We had nothing in common, he was dating someone and I was a scrawny kid who hadn’t a clue what I was going to do after high school.  It just so happened a guy I used to date invited me and a couple of my friends over to the house where he and 4 other guys were living.  We went over and one of the guys was sick.  Everyone else was having a party while he lay in one of the bedrooms.  For some reason I decided to take care of this “older man”!  This was the beginning of Tony & Sue.  On my birthday (March 4th) he sent me flowers.  On April 1 (yes, April Fool’s day) he gave me his class ring.  A few weeks later he asked if I wanted to get married. We had a total of two dates, one to the movies and then my Senior Prom.  Barelysix months after we met we were married.  For the first year we ran a riding stable and I rode in rodeo doing barrel race.  We lived in a trailer with bare essentials.  Next we moved back to Huntsville, AL and he worked for a glass company and I worked for Bellsouth as a telephone operator.  We had our first daugther in 1972 and I quit working to be a mom.  Our second daughter arrived in 1975.  I had no idea what the future held but it didn’t matter.  I had exactly what I wanted.  (to be continued)

 I’m sure you have heard the line “You know you’re a Redneck if….”  Well, “you know you’re a Blackberry Addict if….”  

Last Saturday my husband and I loaded up to go camping with one of our grandsons for a week.  Right before we left I discovered that I was not getting any emails unless I had a wifi connection.  I was in a panic.  I started messaging some blackberry experts for help since I was pretty sure I wouldn’t get wifi traveling down I-64.  We did not get it resolved before my husband was pulling me out the door but I had a contingency plan.  With my BlackBerry in one hand and my husband’s in the other I called AT&T knowing they would have it fixed in no time.  After about 30 minutes of trying several things I was advised the only thing left to do was do a wipe.  Picture this; I’m sitting in my seat with my laptop literally on my lap and a BlackBerry in each hand.  My BlackBerry comes back up after the wipe with none and I mean not one of my applications and I still had the same problem I started with.  So I spend the first two hours of our drive working on getting at least part of the functionality back.  Way too quickly we come to our exit and the last 15 miles to the State Park.  Suddenly I lost the signal on my Bold, my work issued Curve and my husband’s Curve.  I reassured myself that we would pick up a signal around the next curve, then the next and after about 15 curves I finally came to the realization that it would not be “coming around the mountain”.  But I was okay because I knew I would be able to get a signal at the campground. 

Every few minutes while we were getting organized at the campsite I would sneak a look just to see if I had at least one tiny little bar.  By nightfall I wasn’t even trying to sneak I just sat staring waiting for an arrow to go up and down searching for a signal but all I saw was an X.  After the second day I stopped staring and just looked every time I thought I felt it vibrate.  I knew I was in trouble when I wore my Jawbone all day.  By trial and error, I found if I went to the lodge pointed my BlackBerry in a certain direction and held it very still while holding my breath I got one and sometimes two bars.  I could make a phone call, but no email. 

Finally, my husband could not endure my constant fixation on finding a signal any longer.  I think his words were “you are not going to do this during our whole vacation are you” and in desperation he drove me 20 miles one way so I could get a signal.  I’m not sure if that was for me or him.  All week I carried my BlackBerry with me and even laid it beside the bed each night fully knowing I wasn’t going to get a signal. 

Now I’ve been married 39 years and I couldn’t tell you how many times I forget to put on my wedding ring.  If I’m on my way to work and realize I forgot it I turn around and go back home to get it, right?  Wrong!  But go without my Blackberry, that ain’t gonna happen whether I have a signal or not.  By the way I did do some fishing!  The only thing I caught was a snapping turtle.  Wonder if I should have gone BlackBerry picking instead of fishing?

 In 1977  I did something I never thought possible.  Tony had signed up to go on a mission trip to Kenya.  He asked if I wanted to go.  Although I am a country girl at heart I like the city privileges such as hot baths, ice, beds, you get the idea.  But the thought of traveling somewhere to reach a people group that have never seen a white person was intriguing.  Not only that, but to know it was an opportunity of a lifetime to get out of my comfort zone and really see how other people live.  The difference was immediately noticeably even though we were in Nairobi.  As I looked out the hotel window I saw a woman sweeping the dirt with straw.  The next day when we traveled to our campsite there were no paved roads only dirt bumpy paths.  As we set up the tents some of the Kenyans dug small trenches around them and then sprinkled a powder.  That was to keep the snakes out they explained.  Each tent was outfitted with a port-a-potty which was much better than the alternative.  Most people were fascinated by our white skin and school children surrounded us to touch us.  They were thrilled to get a rubber band.  Can you imagine giving your child a rubber band and it make them happy.  What amazed me about them was their generosity.  If the only thing they had to sit on was a rock they gave it to you to sit on.  I was given the gift of a chicken by one woman. I’m talking a real live chicken which I had to accept and carry it myself until we got back to our campsite.  Each day I would go out with two Kenyan men, Crispin and Joseph, while Tony went out with two other Kenyan men.  One would walk in front of me and the other behind me.  Once one started to turn into the grass and I started to follow when the other hollered “No, Miss Susanna you stay”.  Apparently he had to take a potty break.  They enjoyed laughing when we had to cross a creek or climb a hill and would say “you make it Miss Susanna?”  On another occasion they both stopped me and told me to stay and I could hear them stomping.  They had killed a snake that was on the trail we were following.  I felt totally safe with them and never doubted their willingness to protect me at any cost. Everyday we repeated this as we traveled from hut to hut to share with those eager to hear about Jesus.  I could go on and on about the people in Kenya and how they touched my heart as no other has.  It was with great sadness that we returned to America.  I don’t think either of us would have hesitated to stay if it had not been for our children who were back home with Tony’s parents.  They sleep on the ground with the animals they tend in the same dirt floor hut.  Many babies had no clothes and most adults only had rags but they were rich in a way we will never understand, because they were content with what they had.  There is no communication with the outside world in these small villages.  They are untouched by the influences we have in the United States.  No TV, radio or signs to influence them or any of the material possessions we think we can’t live without.  And that is why they are so happy.  You don’t miss or desire something you’ve never seen or heard of.  For just a few weeks I didn’t miss flushing the commode, or having light to read at night.  I could hear the sounds of the people singing, there were no electric lines between me and the stars and there was a little bit of heaven in Kenya.

We had expected to have two new granddaughters from Ethiopia by the summer.  The Social Worker who did the home study has had several failed adoptions with two non related children being adopted into a family so she would not approved the adoption.  Rather than choose between them they decided to select another child.  Her name is Elshadaye and she is HIV+ which means it will be a longer process to get her to the US.  I was totally shocked to discover the number of children in Ethiopia who are HIV+ and are waiting to be adopted.  Elshadaye’s mom is dying and wanted to find a home for her before she died.  She is a beautiful little girl and I wish I could post a picture but that is not allowed until she is in the US.  She is 6 and will be sharing a room with her big sister Miranda who is 8.  We will have 3 grandchildren from Ethiopia, 1 from China and 3 born in the USA.  Our family has become a melting pot. 

Our youngest, Jacob, who has CP and has very little movement in his arms or legs has gotten Botox injections in his hands.  It has been truly amazing to see him wave his arms around.  He constantly has a smile on his face and laughs at everything.  He loves watching TV.  When they did an MRI they also discovered he has a mass  in his brain and his brain is misshaped (but not from the mass).  The doctors were very surprised that he has not had seizures which they warned will happen.  For now we are just enjoying seeing that beautiful smiling face.  You can see that face and listen to him laugh and see my granddaughter from China who is practicing to be the next American Idol at this link http://kyfamilyforfaith.blogspot.com/.  Love your children and grandchildren, pray for them and pray for all the children who are not as fortunate to have loving families as they do.

I intentionally did not say “Happy Mother’s Day” because it isn’t a day of celebration for everyone.  For a Mother who has lost a child  is often a reminder of their loss.  For those who always wanted a child but could not have one this day can be very difficult as they see other women recognized and especially so if there is baby dedication at Church.  To many, such as my husband, it is a time of remembering a loving mother who has passed away.  For others, like myself, it is both happy and sad.  Having children and grandchildren fulfilled a longing I had since I was a child.  The only ambition I had was to marry and have babies.  I never wanted a career, didn’t care what kind of house I had or if I had a new car.  All I wanted was to hold a precious baby in my arms and be a mother to that child.  I have never told anyone this but being a mother was one of the hardest things I had to learn to do.  No one knows how to be a mother just by giving birth.  There are many women who give birth to children who should never have.  Most women learn how to be a mother by the example of their mother, grandmother or an aunt.  Someone in their family they looked up to and modeled their parenting skills from them.  For me, taking care of an infant was the easy part.  You change their diapers, feed them and hold them.  They don’t ask or expect more than that.  As they grow so must your skills as a parent.  That is when the hard part starts.  Statistics show that most people who are victims of child abuse or neglect will become abusers or be negligent as parents.  When that is the only example you have of how a parent behaves you think that is how a parent is suppose to be and it continues from one generation to another unless there is intervention.  I was extremely fortunate to have a husband who was totally invested in caring for our children.  There was not one thing I did that he did not do as well.  There was no question as to the love and devotion he had for our girls and the foster children we were blessed in caring for.  He had parents that had very little materially but they taught their sons to love, respect and become men they could be proud of.  It was by their acceptance and welcoming me into their family that I learned how to be a mother.  I broke the the chain of abuse.  Never would my children or grandchildren feel the utter terror of being helpless or hopeless.  They did not and will not go to bed hungry, abused or frightened.  It is my call to all women regardless of whether you have given birth to a child, to stand up and open your eyes to the children around you.  Be an example to those young mothers who need someone to be supportive.  To those children who live near you that are dirty and hungry open your hearts and homes so you can give them a snack after school or invite them to Church.  For those who pretend you don’t see or hear the screams and crying in the night, you must take action.  Don’t let a child’s life be taken because you didn’t care enough to make a difference.  Any woman can give birth to a child but it takes someone special to “mother” those whom they did not give birth too.

In this time of crisis for so many people you would think it would pull us together as it did after 911.  The last few years has brought many things that will go intthe history books.  Not just the election of President Obama but times of such ecomonic crisis as many of those living today have never experienced before.  Gas prices of $4.00 a gallon, companies that just a few years ago were finanically sound have closed and those employed were suddenly without jobs.  Major banks and automobile makers needing bailouts from a country that has it’s own economic challenges.  Tornado’s, Ice Storms and flooding have created both challenges and opportunities.  The Bible says to “Love thy neighbor as thy self” but do we show that.  How many of us speak to our neighbors when we see them or even know their names.  This is something that I can admit to being guilty of since moving to our current home ten years ago.  We really don’t know our neighbors like we have in other places we have lived.  But one thing I do know, show any of them have a need we would  be the first ones to offer a helping hand.  Not everyone is that fortunate.  A story was related to me recently which just broke my heart.  The electricity was out for someone and they had food that was going to ruin.  A neighbor had electricity but refused to allow them to just plug up one thing.  What is our world coming to that we no longer feel a responsibility to help those in need?  Hundreds of thousands of people are out of work.  With the loss of jobs comes the loss of benefits including health insurance.  What happens should a family member become ill?  There is no money for medicine, food banks are running short of food because so many are desperate to feed their families.  Are we so self-centered that we are willing to be like Survivor or Celebrity Apprentice and lie, cheat or steal to see that we get ahead of everyone else whether we need it or not.  I certainly hope this is not the direction we are moving toward.  I truly believe the only way any of us survive times of crisis is when we pull together regardless of race, religion or economic status.  I also believe the way you tell someone is a Christian is not by what Church they attend or how many times they go to Church or even how they act.  The way you know if someone is truly a Christian is how they “REACT”!  How do you react in times of crisis?  Are you truly a neighbor or do you just happen to live next door to someone?